Teen Gets Dose Of Cyberclap
Bakersfield (Oildale Gazette) A West Coast teenager became the first person to contract simian gonorrhea after unknowingly engaging in sex with a chimp on the internet.

Mark Gonzalez, a Bakersfield, California high school sophomore, apparently contracted the virtual disease online while chatting with a group of strangers in a sexually-themed chat room. After being coaxed into a private "one-on-one" room by one of the participants, Gonzalez said that's when things got a little weird. "The conversation started getting hot and heavy and after a few hours I noticed a strange, burning sensation when I tried to use my 'mouse' again."

Researchers traced the urethra-singeing disease to the teen in the private chat room and eventually to a computer at the Los Angeles Zoo.

Sources at the L.A. Zoo tell us that Eve, a frigid chimpanzee, was given a computer along with some X-rated CD-ROM games to help her with her sexual appetite. Someone also gave her access to the Internet, which led to the problem. "Apparently she regained her sexual appetite and over the last several weeks has been going ape," said one zookeeper.

If anyone on the Net has been engaged in any monkey business with Eve, who goes by the screen name Whoopi, please visit a physician immediately. Doctors advise that this type of virus can be avoided by simply clicking with one hand and spanking with the other.