TOM CRUISE NOT GAY!   

In Love With Own Reflection

An exhaustive investigation by Yuks! reporters has reached the shocking conclusion that the super-litigious Tom Cruise is not gay.

The report found that in many instances when young gay men claimed Cruise was engaging in suggestive eye contact, smiling and pursing his lips, he was actually admiring his own image in a mirror behind them.

Handsome superstar admires his reflection in pool, moments before falling in and almost drowning.

Other times he was looking at a poster for one of his movies that happened to be nearby.

Also, Cruise was once caught on a shiny, polished, marble floor pretending to be looking for a contact lens but obviously enamored of himself.

Further proof is the fact that Cruise has almost drowned twice, both times having to be pulled from a swimming pool after falling in while dreamily gazing at his own reflection. Cruise is a notoriously bad swimmer. Can't swim a stroke - back, breast, or otherwise.

Actually we don't know if he can swim or not but we're hoping he'll sue us for saying that so we can get some national publicity.

Previous Yuks! investigations have proven Richard Simmons, Bruce Vilanch, and Ellen were not gay, but this report indicates that Cruise is more Narcissus, than Liberace.

Cruise tells disappointed costar, "put away your hardon...I am not gay!"

Hard-hitting YUKS! Investigations prove Simmons, Ellen and Vilanch not gay either!